Sufficed to say, being the judgmental control freak that I
am, I had gathered quite a few opinions on what I wanted – and more importantly
did not want -- for my own wedding. Also, I should humbly add that in addition
to all the weddings I have attended, I’ve hosted, organized or helped to run
dozens of events during my 25+ careers as a professional fundraiser.
So, you may ask, was my wedding perfect? Basically, yes. I
can honestly say that I have only one or two teeny tiny regrets (which I’ll get
to later.) Therefore, because I feel that I successfully threw a wedding that
didn’t break the bank, made me and my husband eternally happy and grateful and
seemed to entertain my friends and loved ones, I thought I’d share my
not-so-secret secrets with you. And, while
I’m at it, I think I’ll also share some opinions about wedding do’s and don’ts.
Lesson # 1 – Splurge
on what’s important (but only what’s important.)
 |
| My beautiful and tasty cake! |
Unless you have rich and traditional parents who want
nothing else than to spend their fortune on a single day (albeit an important
one) in their daughter’s life, or you are a Kardashian and have big corporate
sponsorship, you probably want to reign in the costs of a wedding where you can.
So figure out what means the most to you -- whether it’s flowers, photography, dress,
venue, food, limo, invitations, music, favors, or the honeymoon -- and give
yourself relative carte blanche on those one or two areas. And then you cut
corners and expectations for the rest. For example, I am a cake fanatic so
there was no way I was going to have anything but my dream cake and that was
one from the Cupcake Café. I was shocked
at the cost (roughly $10/person or $750 in 2007) but I didn’t think twice about
it. In the end, it was delicious,
beautiful and worth every penny to me.
Lesson # 2 Cutting
Corners by Getting Crafty
The wedding industry knows that you have a big budget and
that’s why things like favors and invitations – basically paper and ephemeral
-- cost so damn much. So these were two areas that I decided to take on myself
to save some bucks. Nowadays there are
many websites that allow you to create your own invitations. They provide a
variety of card stock, designs, places for photos and text and even envelopes.
I did mine through the now defunct Kodak website and paid under $100 for my
invitations. I asked my guests to call or email to RSVP saving all of us time
and money. For favors, I recorded a CD with songs that we played at our
wedding. I through in a bottle of water and candy for the ride home too. Final
cost: $2.50 per guest. The CD is my
mom’s favorite piece of music – but that could be because she’s my mom!
Lesson # 3 Cutting Corners with the Help of Friends
Like most New Yorkers I am blessed with many talented
artistic friends. So I asked them to provide their services in lieu of a gift
to us. One friend played flute while we walked down the aisle, another did my
makeup and a third took pictures. And an old DJ friend gave me a discount – I
tried to get her services for free but couldn’t quite call in that favor. But,
hey I tried.
Lesson #4 – Cutting Corners
by going UnWedding
I had no idea what to do with my hair when my photographer
friend said, “I know someone who can make you look like a movie star!” I was
impressed and excited. I called his salon just to get an idea of what this
service would cost me. An assistant wouldn’t quote me a price nor would he
allow me to even speak to the hairstylist until I answered the following
questions: where was the wedding being held, what kind of venue and how many
guests. What on earth did these things have to do with my hair, I asked? Well,
my musician friend who had played untold weddings revealed the answer. People
in the wedding biz set their price based on the wedding’s budget. They hear
you’re having a wedding in a fancy NYC hotel with 300 guests, well then you are
going to pay probably twice as much as the woman having a backyard affair in
Queens with 50 close friends. I was quoted something like $300 for the hair
style run-through and $250 for his services on the day of wedding. No thanks.
Instead I went to a local salon and scheduled a trim. I
asked the guy (who had done my hair satisfactorily a few times) what he would
do to my hair if I had a big event? He took some time and played around and we
decided to flat iron it. I asked if he would open up early on a Saturday so I
could get prepped for such a party and he said yes. I never mentioned it was my
own wedding. It cost me nothing for the
run-through and something like $50 the day of (I added a big tip for the sin of
omission.) I continued to see him for my haircuts until the salon moved.
Lesson #5 – Cutting
Corners by Going Off the Rack
I watch not one but three different shows about wedding gown hopping so I know for some this may sound like sacrilege. But I had no vested interest in looking like a princess so I was happy to shop in normal stores for my wedding dress. Even if you want a floor length white gown there are many non-wedding options: evening gowns, prom dress and good ol’ cotillion gowns all come in white, ivory and blush and are practically indistinguishable from wedding dresses but cost a lot less. I wound up finding an beautiful, ethereal Kay Unger knee length halter dress with tiny gold point d’esprit. I felt lovely, airy, special and comfortable – not like some corseted doll. Just saying. Oh, and it was on sale, and I opened an account at Bloomingdales to save an additional 10% so it cost me under $400. One of the few regrets that I have is that I didn’t take the time to have it professionally altered. I had my dry cleaner’s tailor adjust the straps a notch but I should’ve done a tad more. I was busy. No biggie though.
Lesson # 6 – Cutting
Corners by Trimming the Guest List
Here was our credo: Only invite people we love (and their
partners – if we hadn’t grown to love them yet!) The fewer people the less
you’ll spend. But perhaps more importantly, the more time you’ll have to spend
with each of them. Both of these things were important to us so we decided to
keep the guest list to under 80 people. It wasn’t super difficult because we
both have small families, but we did have to make some tough calls. The old
co-worker I hadn’t seen in a year didn’t make the cut, neither did the friend
of my husband’s that always picks fights with me and owes us money. People get
over it and if they don’t well maybe it’s just as well.
The Lesson to end all
Lessons: Enjoy yourself
Perhaps the most important thing I learned from my years
doing events was that inevitably something would go wrong but that probably
nobody but me would notice. Knowing that, I could avoid sweating all the
details and be mindful of the miracle of the day. The morning of the wedding I
just kept repeating to myself, “be here, be present.” And I was. As I walked down
the aisle holding my husband’s hand, the crowd turned to watch us. I saw a sea
of happy faces from every aspect of our lives. There were my friends from
college, Steve’s old cop buddies, my crazy family, his less crazy family, his
kung fu classmates, my work colleagues -- everyone we loved was in the same
room. It made me laugh and my laughing made the whole room laugh. It set the
tone for a wonderful day.
When planning the day I arranged for food and beverages that
Steve and I liked – besides the cake – instead of what I thought might impress.
I asked the venue (Battery Gardens – a lovely restaurant/event space in my
beloved downtown Manhattan.) to create a
special lemonade for me during the cocktail hour. I ate the dinner – something
that not many brides do – and spent quality time with people I love. It was a
beautiful day and I remember every second of it.
Now a few words on
being a proper wedding guest:
·
Don’t wear white…ever, under any circumstances!
It is still wrong and it will always be wrong.
·
Don’t give a gift that’s not on the registry. If
you don’t want to deal with the registry, just give cash. Anything else is a
waste of your money and awkward for the couple.
·
Don’t call the night before the wedding with
questions (directions, what you should wear, if you can bring someone else,
etc.) Figure it out yourself or ask someone close to the couple.
·
RSVP by the required date. Don’t make them chase
you down they have enough to do.
·
Ask if there’s anything you can do to help – it
will be well-appreciated.
·
And when it comes to the reception, have fun but
not too much fun…if you know what I mean.
It’s not fair to the couple to make a scene and in these days of
instagram, twitter, facebook and instant videos it’ll come back to haunt you.
Feel free to post any other tips you may have
and enjoy
wedding season!
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