My Top Ten New York City Pet Peeves

I've wanted to write this post since I started a blog but thought it was too negative and catty. But then I realized that if I shared these simmering resentments with you, perhaps it could help alleviate the burden I feel to actually correct my fellow travelers (thus risking bodily harm.) So here goes:

#1 People Who Block the Subway Doors: I don’t get it, I really don’t get it. A 250 lb man stands smack dab in front of the doors on the platform waiting for them to open, while a dozen or so passengers must find a pinhole to squeeze by him to exit the train. This annoying process also makes the exiting/entering process twice as long as it should be. Haven’t they figured it out yet?

Then there are the self-centered geniuses who get on the train but stop as soon as they pass the threshold, not stepping one more foot in, thereby blocking all who are boarding after him/her (but we don’t exist, do we?) I’m telling you, I’m on the verge of doing something more than nudging and glaring. So help me God.

#2 Walking and Texting: Heads up baby, this is New York. On a good day we all need our wits about us as we navigate through crowds, traffic, rats, skateboarders and parked strollers. It’s no time to be absorbed in the latest text from that dude you met at the Governor’s Ball. As Ron Burgundy says, “you gotta keep your head on a swivel when you’re in a vicious cock fight.” If you bump into me you’re going to get checked like a NHL rookie.

#3 Brunch: Why would I stand and wait to get into a crowded noisy restaurant to eat eggs or French toast? I basically don’t leave my house on Sundays and I’m not going to do it just to waste $45 on a meal I can easily make myself.

#4 Oblivious Tourists: You know, the ones on the subways and streets who talk really loud in their hayseed accents about all the crazy things they are seeing as if we are just monkeys in the zoo and we don’t understand what they’re saying. Oh, and then they take photos of themselves on the train and don’t care if you’re accidentally in the shot. I don’t want to wind up in some photo album in the Ozarks, thank you.

#5-7 WardrobeViolations

#5 FreeWheeling: This is a term that my husband and I came up with that describes a woman who blatantly struts down the streets without a bra. Come summer, you see them swinging along all the time. Some are just slutty, others don’t realize that they are far beyond the age of it looking anything but insane.  

#6 Snip that Stich: Here’s a little known fact everyone should know: that cross stitch on the vent of your suit jacket/coat and on the slit of your skirt needs to be cut – it is not decorative. It was sewn to keep the garment in correct shape while being shipped to the store.  If I see one more stitched slit on the subway platform I’m slicing it off myself.

#7 Wellies: Enough with the big rubber boots – especially in the summer with a sundress, skirt or shorts. Are you really expecting a Nor’easter to come through Manhattan on

your way to work that you must wear knee high rubber insulated boots? If it’s June and it’s raining, carry a nice umbrella and stash an extra pair of shoes in your bag (or leave one under your desk.) A grown woman shouldn’t look like Paddington Bear.

#8 Half-Assed Littering: Sure I hate all littering but there’s something even more infuriating about someone deliberately placing their empty Snapple in a flower planter or some kind of upended pipe. Sure, it’s a kind of receptacle, but it’s not a garbage can. Then there are those who gently place their Big Mac wrapper or empty Doritos bag under the subway seat. As if to believe that when their refuse is out of sight it is somehow magically gone. Here’s the truth: it’s not. It’s now the job of a subway worker to get to your crap before the rats make a snack of it.

#9 Shakespeare in the Park: I’ve seen Shakespeare in the Hamptons and in Stratford Ontario but never in my own city because it is a herculean effort just to get tickets.  I’m too old and too busy to get to the Public Theater by 8am on a random weekday and wait three hours for a free ticket. It’s just not that hard in other cities. But everything in NYC is just too competitive, restricted, limited and exhausting. That goes for the fireworks, the parades, concerts and any other free event—if you somehow manage to get there, you spend your entire time fighting for (or defending) your space and dealing with many of the Pet Peeves listed above. I’d rather pay.

#10 311: This non-emergency number was a brilliant idea. But unfortunately it is staffed by NYC government employees. Steve and I have called 311 on numerous occasions: to report a cracked and dangerous sidewalk and a hazardous traffic condition, to try to find out how to remove a family of goslings who were stuck in a pipe (heartbreaking), to make a  noise complaint, to ask questions about property tax, to find out who maintains city dog runs, and probably others I don’t recall. To date we have gotten ZERO responses to any of these concerns – ZERO. Hey NYC: I can live with perilous crosswalks and loud neighbors but you have the death of several baby geese on your head.