What's Wrong with "The List"

There’s been a lot of talk about women making lists of the qualities they seek in a man.  The media was buzzing recently about a leaked copy of Taylor Swift’s list, which supposedly required that any future suitor be at her level of fame and success, among other desired attributes.  The various pundits then discussed what was on their list such as physical appearance, jobs, habits, and of course, a sense of humor (the universal option.)

This concept is not new. When I was somewhat young and single – in fact, the last single woman in my circle of college pals – one of them suggested I compile such a list so I could “put it out to the universe.” Heck, I had tried Match.com, 8-minute dating, blind dates and singles parties why not a list. So I sat with my ruled notebook and wrote down what I thought I wanted in a mate.

At the top of the list was smart, followed by well-educated, read the New York Times daily (which I didn’t do, by the way), successful, and had a great sense of humor. There were other things on the list about dressing well, being interested in politics – you know, the important stuff.  I was basically searching for a more advanced, more masculine version of me. Yikes.

A few months after sketching out my perfect boyfriend/husband, a man came into my life that had many – if not all – of these qualities. We began to get to know each other and developed quite an intense emotional attachment. The only problem was he was married and…oh…he was moving to a foreign country. As I like to say in those days: he couldn’t have been less available if he were in a coma. 

I spent several months in torment about this “relationship” which my friends didn’t approve of (even though it never became physical.)  But I was lonely and I had asked the universe for this guy, after all. Again my well-meaning friends counselled me that “if I didn’t clear space in my heart the, right guy wouldn’t show up.”  So I forced myself to stop IMing with the married man and cried for a few nights.

At that point, in my sorrow and loneliness, I looked back at the original list and was amazed. Nowhere on it did it ask for my perfect man to be single, available and live in New York -- kind of essential qualities if you ask me.  So I tore it up. Take that Universe!

About two years later when I did meet and fall deeply in love with my future husband, I thought of that list again and laughed. He didn’t read the New York Times – in fact, he read the Daily News (blech!) His education was not stellar – it took him 25 years to obtain his college degree from four different schools (give him an A+ for persistence though!). His  wardrobe style was (and is, to a certain extent) to try to blend in with the scenery. He didn’t have a job (at that time); And he hadn’t voted in a dozen years.  He does, of course, have a wonderful sense of humor.

Because I never had a mate before I had no idea what I required. I didn’t need a “new and improved” version of myself – God, no! Two type A’s can’t live with each other for long without civil war erupting. On a day-to-day basis it doesn’t matter at all how someone dresses or what they read (although, I did eventually show him the light when it came to the News, and helped him find his proper size at least.) His job and hobbies don’t really add up to much either. What does matter is his kindness, his patience, his loyalty and his principles – which are unrivalled among men, and have gotten me through the rough times. It helps that we’re both late sleepers, like TV, dessert and dogs because that makes up a big part of our days.  And, what I never expected to be important is our attitude toward money. We’re both pretty conservative (I wouldn’t exactly call it “cheap” but…) We eschew luxury items and frequent taxi trips. We love getting a bargain at Costco and Marshalls.  And we do a lot of google research before we buy anything new. I never knew that this was the stuff that would allow us to live in peace and harmony most , but it is.

A partner is not a house, nor a new handbag or any other big ticket purchase for which we can set a list of “deal-breakers.” So here’s my advice: tell the universe to send you the person best-equipped to love you and take care of you. And if you’re lucky and that person is presented to you, be open. He may not look or sound like your imagined Prince Charming. But that’s ok. In fact, it’s better than ok. “There is more on heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your philosophy,” said the immortal bard, Shakespeare. And that is the problem with the “list.”