The Six Things I Have to "Un-Learn" Each Day

What a fool I’ve been. I have been laboring under the misapprehension that life is about learning and growing. But today as I struggled to bring myself to the onerous task of doing yoga in my very own living room, I realized that life is just a series of unlearning what was wired into us as children.

Perhaps this isn’t your truth. Maybe you’re Hillary Clinton and were told by your parents that “you could do anything!” and you grew up fearless, determined, motivated and ambitious.  Hillary and I did not share a similar upbringing.  I understand now that my parents did the best they could but I find myself on a lifelong quest to undo the programming, dispel the myths and basically rewire myself in order to live a happy healthy life. Here are six examples of what I need to learn to unlearn:

1-      Food makes you happy – Ok, this is a biggie that I know many of my friends suffer from. In my family, it wasn’t so much chicken or pasta that was cause for celebration but more like cookies, cake, ice cream, chips and popcorn. They were the reward for just living life, the soothing touch for injuries great and small, the center of any gathering, and the cure for boredom.  

It’s been a lifelong struggle to un-do that message.  Sure, food is to be savored but it is not a replacement for love.  And, so I must learn that it is more important to get your nutrients from food than any thrill. Oh, and eat when you’re hungry and don’t when you’re not. Revolutionary, huh?

2-      Exercise is drudgery -  Unfortunately, I didn’t come from a Kennedy-esque clan who delighted in playing touch football with each other.  I dabbled in sports from time to time, like ice skating and tennis, but when I got bored I quit.  Other people were athletes, not us was the message, I received and so exercise for fitness sake seemed like drudgery, another chore in life’s long list of chores.

The funny thing is, I actually like some exercise. Yes, I do get bored, but instead of quitting I try to move on to something else. Once boxing became old hat, I tried boot camp. After a few months of Zumba I started Bollywood dancing. It doesn’t always feel great, but it sure feels amazing after. But I still must get over that hump of my own attitude first.

3-      Work is punishment -Despite the fact that I come from Protestant stock, I wasn't raised with the Protestant work ethic.  My mother saw her first role as mother and feared that work would take her away from us. My dad’s work did steal him from us (among some other distractions.) So I had both those messages to overcome. So, for many years my attitude was, “well you should just be happy to have me on staff.”  

Again, like exercise there are parts of work I definitely enjoy – chief among them is writing. I also like cleaning, organizing, planning and strategizing. But I still don’t like getting up early and going to an office (ie away from home.)

4-     Isolation is safety – Oh boy, this is also one I fight on a daily basis. When bad things happened at school my mother let us stay home the next day and avoid the people responsible. In fact, I loved to avoid other people more than just anything as a child. I had secret spots all over the apartment where I played alone for hours with my dolls. And that is where I want to go today when I’m feeling anxious, angry or in grief. Instead of dolls I pick up my i-pad and play endless games of Sudoku, Solitaire, Scrabble and Tetris.

The problem is that I end up feeling crappier – and even less equipped to handle people  - than when the day began. What works to get me out of a slump is antithetical to almost everything I was taught: exercise, help another, get out into the sunshine, be productive and eat well – in other words, total reprogramming.

5-     Asking for help is bothering people – Well, this one did probably come down from my Puritan ancestors. Afraid of rejection or hostility, neither of my parents asked for help much. Pride and insecurity didn’t improve the situation either.  So things were left unfixed, or undone or unaccomplished because of it.  Or, in the worst case scenario, we all just white knuckled through the unknown.

It took me decades to realize that if I enjoyed sharing my knowledge, time and stuff that maybe others wouldn’t mind either – in fact, maybe they would get something out of helping me. And so, slowly I began reaching out. The key word is slowly, because it still does not come naturally to me, like speaking French to the tourists in my neighborhood. It might not turn out well every time, but I’m trying.

6-      The world is a scary place – The funny thing is that despite the fact that this was clearly the message telegraphed to me on a daily basis I mostly ignored it as a young person. I acted in school plays, went away to a college where I knew no one and even spent a semester in eastern Europe well before the age of ATMs, cellphones and Skype.

But as I grow older, that original programming is threatens to take over. I’m afraid to leave my doggie for more than eight hours; I’m timid about working the medical profession to build my practice; I dread the prospect of moving even though I know it would be better to have more space.  The cure? I guess it’s to do it anyway. But I haven’t done those three things or even have a plan to do so. So, perhaps you all can tell me a way to overcome that one.

I really didn’t think I’d spend so much time undoing all the thoughts in my head and fighting against what sometimes feel is my nature.  But that is what life is about. Well, that and creating, laughing, loving others and fostering a warm, welcoming home. Thankfully, I don’t have to “undo” those things I’ve learned!

Have a beautiful weekend.