"And here it is, the most important day of your life." Keys to a Successful Wedding

By the time I got married at age 43 I had probably attended 100 weddings. I was maid of honor three times and a member of the wedding in several other affairs. I’ve witness Jewish, catholic, a zillion denominations of protestant ceremonies; I’ve attended mixed race weddings, gay weddings, second weddings, third weddings and shotgun weddings. I’ve dressed for black-tie, beach casual and everything in between.

Sufficed to say, being the judgmental control freak that I am, I had gathered quite a few opinions on what I wanted – and more importantly did not want -- for my own wedding. Also, I should humbly add that in addition to all the weddings I have attended, I’ve hosted, organized or helped to run dozens of events during my 25+ careers as a professional fundraiser.

So, you may ask, was my wedding perfect? Basically, yes. I can honestly say that I have only one or two teeny tiny regrets (which I’ll get to later.) Therefore, because I feel that I successfully threw a wedding that didn’t break the bank, made me and my husband eternally happy and grateful and seemed to entertain my friends and loved ones, I thought I’d share my not-so-secret secrets with you.  And, while I’m at it, I think I’ll also share some opinions about wedding do’s and don’ts.

Lesson # 1 – Splurge on what’s important (but only what’s important.)

My beautiful and tasty cake!

Unless you have rich and traditional parents who want nothing else than to spend their fortune on a single day (albeit an important one) in their daughter’s life, or you are a Kardashian and have big corporate sponsorship, you probably want to reign in the costs of a wedding where you can. So figure out what means the most to you -- whether it’s flowers, photography, dress, venue, food, limo, invitations, music, favors, or the honeymoon -- and give yourself relative carte blanche on those one or two areas. And then you cut corners and expectations for the rest. For example, I am a cake fanatic so there was no way I was going to have anything but my dream cake and that was one from the Cupcake Café.  I was shocked at the cost (roughly $10/person or $750 in 2007) but I didn’t think twice about it.  In the end, it was delicious, beautiful and worth every penny to me.

Lesson # 2 Cutting Corners by Getting Crafty

The wedding industry knows that you have a big budget and that’s why things like favors and invitations – basically paper and ephemeral -- cost so damn much. So these were two areas that I decided to take on myself to save some bucks.  Nowadays there are many websites that allow you to create your own invitations. They provide a variety of card stock, designs, places for photos and text and even envelopes. I did mine through the now defunct Kodak website and paid under $100 for my invitations. I asked my guests to call or email to RSVP saving all of us time and money. For favors, I recorded a CD with songs that we played at our wedding. I through in a bottle of water and candy for the ride home too. Final cost: $2.50 per guest.  The CD is my mom’s favorite piece of music – but that could be because she’s my mom!

Lesson # 3 Cutting Corners with the Help of Friends

Like most New Yorkers I am blessed with many talented artistic friends. So I asked them to provide their services in lieu of a gift to us. One friend played flute while we walked down the aisle, another did my makeup and a third took pictures. And an old DJ friend gave me a discount – I tried to get her services for free but couldn’t quite call in that favor. But, hey I tried.

Lesson #4 – Cutting Corners by going UnWedding

I had no idea what to do with my hair when my photographer friend said, “I know someone who can make you look like a movie star!” I was impressed and excited. I called his salon just to get an idea of what this service would cost me. An assistant wouldn’t quote me a price nor would he allow me to even speak to the hairstylist until I answered the following questions: where was the wedding being held, what kind of venue and how many guests. What on earth did these things have to do with my hair, I asked? Well, my musician friend who had played untold weddings revealed the answer. People in the wedding biz set their price based on the wedding’s budget. They hear you’re having a wedding in a fancy NYC hotel with 300 guests, well then you are going to pay probably twice as much as the woman having a backyard affair in Queens with 50 close friends. I was quoted something like $300 for the hair style run-through and $250 for his services on the day of wedding. No thanks.

Instead I went to a local salon and scheduled a trim. I asked the guy (who had done my hair satisfactorily a few times) what he would do to my hair if I had a big event? He took some time and played around and we decided to flat iron it. I asked if he would open up early on a Saturday so I could get prepped for such a party and he said yes. I never mentioned it was my own wedding.  It cost me nothing for the run-through and something like $50 the day of (I added a big tip for the sin of omission.) I continued to see him for my haircuts until the salon moved.

Lesson #5 – Cutting Corners by Going Off the Rack

I watch not one but three different shows about wedding gown hopping so I know for some this may sound like sacrilege. But I had no vested interest in looking like a princess so I was happy to shop in normal stores for my wedding dress. Even if you want a floor length white gown there are many non-wedding options: evening gowns, prom dress and good ol’ cotillion gowns all come in white, ivory and blush and are practically indistinguishable from wedding dresses but cost a lot less. I wound up finding an beautiful, ethereal Kay Unger knee length halter dress with tiny gold point d’esprit. I felt lovely, airy, special and comfortable – not like some corseted doll. Just saying. Oh, and it was on sale, and I opened an account at Bloomingdales to save an additional 10% so it cost me under $400.  One of the few regrets that I have is that I didn’t take the time to have it professionally altered. I had my dry cleaner’s tailor adjust the straps a notch but I should’ve done a tad more. I was busy. No biggie though.

Lesson # 6 – Cutting Corners by Trimming the Guest List

Here was our credo: Only invite people we love (and their partners – if we hadn’t grown to love them yet!) The fewer people the less you’ll spend. But perhaps more importantly, the more time you’ll have to spend with each of them. Both of these things were important to us so we decided to keep the guest list to under 80 people. It wasn’t super difficult because we both have small families, but we did have to make some tough calls. The old co-worker I hadn’t seen in a year didn’t make the cut, neither did the friend of my husband’s that always picks fights with me and owes us money. People get over it and if they don’t well maybe it’s just as well.

The Lesson to end all Lessons: Enjoy yourself

Perhaps the most important thing I learned from my years doing events was that inevitably something would go wrong but that probably nobody but me would notice. Knowing that, I could avoid sweating all the details and be mindful of the miracle of the day. The morning of the wedding I just kept repeating to myself, “be here, be present.” And I was. As I walked down the aisle holding my husband’s hand, the crowd turned to watch us. I saw a sea of happy faces from every aspect of our lives. There were my friends from college, Steve’s old cop buddies, my crazy family, his less crazy family, his kung fu classmates, my work colleagues -- everyone we loved was in the same room. It made me laugh and my laughing made the whole room laugh. It set the tone for a wonderful day. 

When planning the day I arranged for food and beverages that Steve and I liked – besides the cake – instead of what I thought might impress. I asked the venue (Battery Gardens – a lovely restaurant/event space in my beloved downtown Manhattan.)  to create a special lemonade for me during the cocktail hour. I ate the dinner – something that not many brides do – and spent quality time with people I love. It was a beautiful day and I remember every second of it. 

Now a few words on being a proper wedding guest:

·         Don’t wear white…ever, under any circumstances! It is still wrong and it will always be wrong.

·         Don’t give a gift that’s not on the registry. If you don’t want to deal with the registry, just give cash. Anything else is a waste of your money and awkward for the couple.

·         Don’t call the night before the wedding with questions (directions, what you should wear, if you can bring someone else, etc.) Figure it out yourself or ask someone close to the couple.

·         RSVP by the required date. Don’t make them chase you down they have enough to do.

·         Ask if there’s anything you can do to help – it will be well-appreciated.

·         And when it comes to the reception, have fun but not too much fun…if you know what I mean.  It’s not fair to the couple to make a scene and in these days of instagram, twitter, facebook and instant videos it’ll come back to haunt you.

Feel free to post any other tips you may have

 and enjoy wedding season!

 

 

My Name is Karen and I am a Feminist

            I was born in the middle of the “women’s liberation movement.” It was an exciting time when women replaced apron strings for miniskirts, they joined “consciousness-raising groups, they wrote sexually-explicit novels where the heroines called the shots,  they demanded equal pay for equal work and to be considered for non-traditional work in offices, construction sites and in government.  Divorce rates rose and disgruntled and smothered women left their husbands to “find themselves.”  This movement was mirrored in movies, television and magazines (the entirety of the media basically in that age.) Media idols like Mary Tyler Moore, Jane Fonda and Sally Field showed us we could still be feminine and attractive while forging new trails for our sisters.

In those days how could you be anything other than a feminist? You’d have to be an Archie Bunker-like ignorant blow hard to deny our rights and our equality.  Those who defied us were, in fact, portrayed as old fashioned buffoons.

So when did feminism become a dirty word?

As my readers now, I am currently enrolled at NYU pursuing a certificate in Wellness. I am currently in a class studying the psychological aspects of wellness. Half of my class are bright, young women a year or so post college. The other day one of them began to explain her feelings about gender differences with regard to emotional relationships. She abruptly stopped herself and apologized for “sounding like a feminist.” 

I, in my inimitable subtle style blurted out “what wrong with that.” No one answered me and the class discussion continued as if this apology had been accepted without question. My heart sank.

In the 30 years or so since I’ve been a teenage girl looking up to my feminist role models it seems that not only have we stopped progressing but that the movement never happened. It’s like waking up after a long coma to find that aliens have taken over your planet and the society now worships something as despicable as earthworms.

It is clear that women in this society are in crisis – but non many of us know itWe’ve made little progress protection women from domestic violence, and our rights to terminate pregnancies is quickly vanishing.  It is horrifying to me that many women politicians are joining in to strip these rights away. Even something as simple equal pay for equal work – the foundation of the once controversial “ERA (Equal Rights Amendment) never did pass and is rarely discussed seriously in corridors of power anymore.

Worse still, women’s self-esteem and body issues continue to grow worse leading to eating disorders, cutting, drugs promiscuity and other dangerous behaviors. 

Pervasive non-stop media (social and otherwise) is most certainly a cause. Girls and young women are bombarded with images of overly thin, overly sexualized women. These images transmit the message that their bodies are commodities and their self-worth is tied to whether their body resembles these “ideal” forms.   

What happened to my female heroes of the silver screen? They seemed to have retired quietly. Women rarely portray brave, everyday heroines who stand up to men or giant corporations. Instead prominent female roles primarily support the flashier male roles. In fact, over the last ten years, the roles that have garnered actresses Oscars have been historical figures such as Margaret Thatcher or Queen Elizabeth, June Carter Cash or the serial killer Eileen Wormos.  Sandra Bullock snatched her statue for playing a strong, affluent southern mom who champions a poor African American boy so he can play football for her alma mater, all the while by putting food (albeit take out) on the table. Not exactly Norma Rae. Then of course there’s Jennifer Lawrence’s quirky, slutty dance fiend who draws Bradley Cooper out of his funk. Or poor Hillary Swank who dreams of boxing to pull herself our of poverty and misery only to be ostensibly murdered in the ring and “saved” from further misery by her patriarchal coach. Sigh.

 

These are not women that young girls can exactly aspire to be.  Sure, one can argue that women have become action heroes. And I guess that would be a bit of progress if they didn’t appear to be just heavily armed Barbie dolls with guns like Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft series. And on TV, women are back to being frustrated moms, sexy girlfriends – but that’s scripted TV. Of course reality TV is where the devil resides when it comes to this crisis.

Reality TV shows pitting women and against women for the attention of a strange man, instant fame and fortune due to sex tapes, and waif-like supermodels have created a world for girls where the skinniest and sluttiest are winners. But that of course is not the case in the “real world” where the seats of actual power – the boards of Fortune 500 companies, elected government positions, religious hierarchies and the leadership of media organizations -- are primarily still occupied by men. 

Now, as a student pursuing my certificate in wellness, I am very interested in helping women overcome eating disorders, malnutrition among other self-destructive behaviors that are clearly the end result of low-self worth.  When trying to have someone adopt a new behavior or belief system it is more effective to give them a new positive notion to adopt rather than just information that the old idea is harmful.  For example, when helping someone change eating habits you can’t just tell them to stop eating burgers and fries, you need to show them what foods are good for them and ones that they might enjoy.  So, when attempting to remove patterns of negative thinking from individuals

Therefore, to me the answer is both simple and yet seemingly impossible. We need work to eliminate the negative messages on TV, the internet and movies that tell us that our bodies are merely commodities and our worth is tied to whether these bodies resemble some warped ideal. We need to replace them with images of women and girls succeeding because of attributes other than conventional beauty. This could inspire a new generation of women to rise to take back their power.  For every well-armed Barbie doll we need equal or greater access to images that celebrate intelligence, compassion, courage, creativity, humor, strength and other important qualities that actually lead to success in life. I would love to give a current example of popular character who exemplifies that but I can't think of one. 

The first step is that we stopping participating in the problem. What does that mean? It means that you don’t watch The Real Housewives of Anyplace or any show that depicts women as greedy, dependent, idiot fembots. It means that we reconsider our relationship to designer clothes and accessories that encourage us to spend our capital on useless ephemera instead of saving or investing funds that will ultimately lead to greater independence and power.  If you think about how many women -- even midldleclass women -- who are unable to leave their abusive husbands or just unfulfilling relationships because they can’t afford to leave, and you might think twice about your next pair of Louboutins. And if you already have a healthy bank account, perhaps those shopping dollars could be better spent in the coffers of organizations that help women escape the horrors of slave trafficking, or that educate inner city girls, or provide equal access to sports in communities that only focus on boys. The opportunities for you to help are limitless.   

 

And,  because words have so much power,  I ask respectfully that you please remove the word girl from your speech when referring to any female over the age of 18. Girls don't enact laws, girls don't run companies, girls don't change the world. Would you call Hillary Clinton a girl?

 

But, more importantly, we need women to stop being afraid of being feminists. So, if you already agree with everything I've written then please speak up. Shout if from the rooftops. Be proud of being a feminist. 

Come on join me.  Say it…My name is _____ and I’m a feminist. Simple. Together we can reverse the regression of our movement just as quickly and insidiously as we have lost our way. Happy Friday my sisters (and brothers!)