Think about
it, it happens to us every day. You’re standing waiting for the train and they
announce it’s going local (or express, whatever is most inconvenient.) You turn
to look at the person next to you and you both roll your eyes and sigh. Soon
after you’ll find yourself and your fellow train-taker explaining why this
delay is especially disruptive or ironic to you, eg “I was going to take a
cab…there was one right outside of my apartment. Now I’ll never make my
doctor’s appointment.” Or, “My boss kept me late; I just missed the train
before…how can this day get worse?” Chances are the kvetch-fest won’t stop
there. By the time you reach your stop, you’ll have made a new friend.
In fact, a
few months ago, a nice old lady was very concerned when an oblivious suit
stepped on my sandaled foot and didn’t apologize. We began talking about how
rude people can be, we got into New York City government (she asked if I
remembered Mayor Lindsey, which I did) and by the time I got off at Penn
Station she heartily approved of my politics and my choice of husband. We
didn’t exchange numbers or become Facebook pals, but that person was a bright
spot in my day and I will remember her for a long time.
Bonding with
one another and breaking down the barriers of race, age and socio-economic
status is great, but, for the most part, complaining can get out of hand. I
invite you to try a very scary experiment: count how many times you
complain in a given day. Congress, weather, your spouse, your neighbors, your
friends, your boss, litterbugs, Time Warner Cable, Con Ed, the snooty waiter,
the idling tour bus outside your window…whatever it is it can take up a large
portion of our day and a lot of mental energy.
We call it
venting but nothing really changes. According to Psychology Today, when
we have so many dissatisfactions and frustrations, yet believe we're powerless
to do much about them or to get the results we want, we are left feeling
helpless, hopeless, victimized, and bad about ourselves. Obviously, one such
incident won't harm our mental health, but we have so many complaints, this
scenario happens many times a day. This accumulation of frustration and
helplessness can add up over time and impact our mood, our self-esteem, and
even our general mental health. No wonder why New Yorkers have the reputation
for crankiness!
Sure, the
city isn’t easy all the time, but it’s New York Freaking City for goodness sake
– the capital of the free world! Anything we could ever want to eat, do or see
is at our fingertips. Things actually run pretty well, when you think about it.
We should feel privileged to live here. We should be walking around like
Buddhist monks who have reached Nirvana.
So why don’t
we? Personally, I think we are hard wired to complain and don’t really know how
to break the circuits. I feel that we’ll also seem weak – an unforgivable
transgression for New Yorkers – if we behave cheerfully or express gratitude.
After all, we’re not granola-munching tree huggers from Vermont or Nebraska,
right?
But when I do
encounter that rare New Yorker that’s sunny and appreciative, I feel a bit
chagrined. My doorman David is that kind of person. I happen to know that he’s
a single dad with a long commute and a big extended family that come to him
with their issues. But every day when I see him he has a big smile and asks
about my day. I usually rant about the skateboarders who terrorize my dog or
the BMCC students smoking in groups on the corner and he nods sympathetically.
I asked about his life and he usually responds, “oh I can’t complain, things
are good.” I look at my shoes with a bit of shame before I take the elevator up
to my lovely, safe, clean home in the greatest city in the world.
The shame
comes from wishing I could be as gracious and grateful as someone I know is facing
tougher challenges than I. But that behavior is far from my instinct. But I can change
that – and it seems that I have many reasons to other than being a pleasant
person.
Researchers
in the field of Positive Psychology report that having a positive attitude and
expressing gratitude helps prevent (or reverse) a multitude of emotional and
physical problems from anxiety to cardio vascular disease.
I decided
that if I feel too proud and tough to express gratitude to my fellow New
Yorkers, maybe I can just call it “uncomplaining.” Instead of bonding with a stranger over a
rough commute or a long wait in a doctor’s office, I could share our good
fortune over a smooth bus ride or quick checkout line at Whole Foods. If I say
it with enough irony in my voice (like “this
doesn’t happen often”) no one will mistake me for an enlightened yogi.
So here goes…
Today, as I
was walking my beautiful border collie, I couldn’t help noticing the crystal
clear blue sky, the gentle breeze and fluffy clouds of this picture-perfect
autumn day. I realized that the past two months have been unbelievably
beautiful weather-wise: August was warm, not hot, and September has been clear
and breezy. Sure it rained here and there, but it seemed to do so mostly at
night when we can watch the deluge safe and dry from our windows. As we near
the anniversary of Hurricane Sandy, I realize how lucky we’ve been so far – ‘cause it could get worse.
Get it…that’s
uncomplaining. Some sun with a hint of
doom. That should work, right?
No one can
change overnight and New Yorkers are a pretty stubborn breed. So let’s try this
exercise together. Turn to the person next to you at the movies when they show
the 11th preview and say something like, “don’t you love the smell
of movie popcorn…so much better than the urine stench outside the theater.” Or when
you’re tempted to unload on your mother about your husband’s forgetfulness you
could swap it out with, “I’m so glad I don’t have to go through life’s crap
alone anymore even if it’s with someone who can’t remember where we keep the scissors.”
I’d love for
you to share your “uncomplaints” with me.
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