Bubble Baths vs. Broccoli

Last Sunday, I posted something on Facebook that got more likes and comments than anything I’d posted in many moons. I wrote, “Today I achieved something I haven’t done in years, today I did nothing.” My friends, knowing me – or perhaps just knowing what it’s like to live in today’s world -- were very proud of me, inspired, jealous and enthusiastic. I received all these accolades just because I decided to rest and ignore my responsibilities for a day.

When you think of it it’s kind of a sad and scary statement about our lives, that such a simple thing to do to take care of yourself is noticed and lauded by a huge crowd of people. But self-care has become a rarity for many people I know (and millions I don’t.) And more troubling than that, self-care is a very misunderstood concept.

In fact, for many, many years I used to think I was an expert in self-care because I didn’t eat red meat, slept in on the weekends, walked my dog and treated myself to a spa day now and then and a cupcake when I deserved it (which seemed to be nearly every day!) But at 47 years old at the end of two of the most horrible, challenging years of my life, I felt achy and heavy, wasn’t sleeping well, was irritable and anxious most of the time and thought about death – a lot. It took me a long time to realize that I might have indulged myself and definitely cared for others but I had lost the ability to adequately care for myself.

Think about it, if someone asked what was involved in the proper care of an infant how would you answer? Well, you’d probably start with food. They need very specific food: breast milk or formula and then baby food. They don’t need a cronut or a diet coke – in fact, that will likely make them very ill.  Then you might mention sleep. Babies need a lot of sleep. It doesn’t matter that they haven’t learned to walk or talk yet – that will come in time. They don’t need to stay up just because that project isn’t completed. They need calm and quiet. They need warmth and safety. And they need touch and love to thrive. And, guess what, so do we.

But yet the beauty, fashion and food industries try to tell us that self-care is all external and needs to be purchased. Remember, “Calgon, take me away!” Almost every article you read in women’s magazines will mention the ubiquitous bubble bath as an example of self-care. Sure we all need to bathe, but a sudsy soak will never replace a nutritious diet, regular exercise, adequate rest, ongoing stress management and healthy relationships. Getting your nails done, a bottle of Merlot, or a shopping spree help won’t help really care for yourself either. This is pampering, not self-care. This is buying the baby a cuddly toy, not cleaning its bum.

I know this is an especially difficult pill to swallow for most of us – especially women and other caretakers. We would never consider ignoring our partners, children or aging parents. We have their health and well-being in mind all the time, but we love to put ourselves last -- just like I did during my annus horribilis. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a crisis (health or otherwise), absolute exhaustion (mental or physical) or an external intervention to wake us up to the fact that we are abusing and neglecting ourselves – that if we were, in fact, caring for an infant the way we are caring for ourselves, child welfare would come and snatch that kid up never to return her to our home.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t turn around one day, put down the potato chips and become a shining example of health and serenity. I took it one step at a time, one day at a time. As I began to educate myself through the Wellness Certificate program at NYU, and now as a student at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition I began to learn and incorporate the REAL components of self-care. To keep it simple, here’s a list:

Sleep – at least 7 hours a night (I must admit I thrive on 9 hours). If you’re having trouble with this see an earlier post or message me.

Nutrition – Eat a variety of fresh fruit, veggies, whole grains, good fats and lean protein. Limit everything else.

Water – drink lots of it.  So many symptoms of physical illness and food cravings are actually just thirst.

Exercise – Make weight bearing exercises (either machines, free weights or your own weight) part of your weekly routine. Add cardio in between. Don’t forget to stretch. Aim for at least 150 minutes a week (hey, that’s just a bit over 20 minutes a day!)

Spirituality – carve out some time for peace and quiet, share gratitude, enjoy nature, meditate, pray, go to your house of worship…whatever it is, get out of yourself and feel connected to something greater than you.

Relationships – Make sure you spend time with people who love, support and appreciate you on a regular basis and limit the time you spend (including the phone) with what I call “emotional vampires.”

Fun and Creativity – all work and no play doesn’t just make Jack a dull boy, it slowly kills our spirit. Pick up an old hobby. Go play mini golf. Chase your pup around the house or park. Write that story that’s been knocking around your brain.

Feed Your Brain – Just like any muscle, if you don’t challenge it, it will atrophy. Try puzzles, watch a documentary, go to a museum or lecture, pick up a book on a subject you’re not familiar with – whatever makes you strain your gray matter a bit.

Take Stock of your Work Life: Are you happy, fulfilled and challenged? Do you like the environment or does it sap you of energy? What about your coworkers, boss and employees…do these relationships need work? What needs to be changed? Can you ask for help? Make a change? Can you leave (see me waving good bye to my thankless job in 2012.)

You can see why it’s impossible to do all of this at once if you have been ignoring yourself for a long time. That’s why it’s a good idea to pick one or two and try to see if you can improve that aspect of care on a regular basis, before moving on to the next one.

Just a year ago I felt old, worn out and sluggish.  I had difficulty switching positions in bed at night. I ate whatever I craved, whenever I craved it, but rarely got any joy from it.  I made a priority of getting my Will in order. I depended on solely my TV for fun and entertainment. I had lost touch with many of my favorite friends. I hated my job. I hadn’t written anything in years.  But yet, I thought I was taking care of myself.  A year later I can’t believe that was me at all. Today I have energy, enthusiasm and fun in my life. And I’m 28 pounds lighter, lowered my blood pressure and cholesterol as well!

Again, please contact me if you need help incorporating any of these suggestions for self-care in your life. I invite you to skip along on this happy road with me.