Resolve to Keep Your Resolutions – Six Easy Steps

We’ve all been there. December 31^st we pledge sincerely to give up sugar (or smoking or white lies or biting or nails…whatever) but somewhere around noon on January 2^nd we find ourselves chowing down gleefully on a cronut. Feeling weak and defeated, most of us decide to give up on our resolution entirely, and so another year goes by with our bad habits (and less than perfect health) intact.

That’s why lots of mental health experts, lifestyle gurus and the like caution folks not to make New Year’s resolutions. But I disagree. It’s not that I’m one to jump on the pop culture bandwagon and do whatever the rest of the world is doing – in fact, I often like to eschew so-called middle-American norms as a die-hard New Yorker – but as an aspiring health coach, I am a huge proponent of positive change and realize that the new year is a great jumping off point.

So, I am offering some very simple tips to help you avoid the pitfalls falling short of our resolutions and the subsequent feelings of failure and depression.

#1 Keep it Simple

I recently spent an evening with a lovely and intelligent “Type A” woman who delivered an impassioned monologue about everything that needed fixing in her life. At the end of it she took a deep breath and summarized, “so all I need to do is lose weight, start exercising, change jobs and stop smoking.” Oh, that’s all? You don’t want to add curing cancer or bringing peace to the Middle East to the list while you’re at it? Sure, our lives may seem like a mess sometimes, and it’s natural to want to clean it all up at once but that doesn’t work. Think about it, it’s impossible to clean all the rooms of your house at once; you have to pick a spot and move to another when you finish. Your life is no different.

So, when it comes to resolutions, pick one or two things maximum.  For example, I would advise the woman above to start walking 20 minutes a day. Most of us can do that, it’s easy: get off the subway a stop earlier; walk your errands on your lunch hour; take a stroll after dinner. Once you see that you can handle the 20-minute walk, you’ll want to do more. And, you’ll be surprised that once one part of your life comes more orderly or healthy you seem to have more energy, motivation and time to tackle the rest. But again, go slowly and methodically so as not to get overwhelmed and give up.

#2 Analyze Obstacles and Motivations

Let’s say you decide to take that 20-minute walk but Monday goes by, and then Tuesday and then Wednesday and you haven’t budged from your desk, and the only walking that has taken place is from the couch to the fridge. You tell yourself you’re tired, you’re busy and you’ll start next week. But this is actually a perfect time to really examine what’s going on.

For example, last summer I decided to start a meditation practice, but this decision lay on the shelf like that book on Churchill I keep meaning to read.  I gave myself a small goal of just 5 minutes so I couldn’t really blame my inability to start this new habit on a lack of time. I thought that privacy and quiet could be the issue, but even when I demanded my husband take a walk with the dog and leave me in peace it didn’t happen. I looked at all the changes I had made up until then (starting to exercise, eating better, etc.) and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t make this relatively easy one happen. Then I realized that I knew that eating less and exercising would lead to weight loss (because I had done it before.) But, I had no real faith that meditation would help me with stress and clarity. I also realized that I loved the feeling of satisfaction that the ever decreasing numbers on the scale provided, but meditation offered no milestones or incentives like that. Then I found a wonderful meditation app that reminds you to meditate at the same time each day and keeps track of all the minutes and hours you spend each week in silent contemplation (or lack thereof really.) So I borrowed a bit of faith, downloaded the app and finally started a daily practice.

So dig deep and really try to figure out what your obstacles are. Do you fear it will not work? That you’ll be unhappy? Is there a childhood resistance attached (“my mom always made me”…fill in the blank.) Whatever the obstacle or missing motivation, try new ways to overcome it. One great way to do that is….

3 # Ask for Help

One of the most freeing statements in the world is “I don’t know.” The only way we begin to learn anything new is by admitting what we don’t know. So, if you don’t know how to begin a new diet, if you feel lonely walking alone, if you need accountability or support just ask for it. But be careful about who you ask. Unfortunately, many people close to us won’t – for various reasons – be as thrilled as we are about the changes we want to make. Fellow smokers might feel guilty if you quit. Drinking buddies will mourn your absence at the bar, and gourmand friends will continually try to entice you with bacon-wrapped anything. No one wants to feel guilty about continuing their less-than-healthy habits so don’t flaunt your efforts to change in their face. When I need motivation working out I don’t call my wonderful mother whose idea of exercise is watching QVC while vacuuming, I talk to my martial artist husband who works out even when we’re on vacation.  Having someone to provide encouragement and to whom you’re accountable more than doubles your chances at succeeding. If you think humans do well alone just watch Castaway or --  even better – The Shining!

#4 Learn how to Fail like a Champ

We’re all going to have our setbacks from time to time but it has been said that successful business people fail quickly, cheaply and only once.  In other words, they don’t invest a lot of time or money in risky ventures and they learn from their mistakes. What does that mean for your resolutions? Well, for one, when you’re just learning to cook healthy don’t go out and buy a $600 Vitamix in the first week. Or when you’re trying to get back into exercising don’t start by plunking down $200 a month to join Equinox. Because when your lack of motivation or other obstacles creep up and you feel like a failure that you haven’t made that lentil barley soup or made it to the gym in two weeks, you’ll feel even worse knowing how much cash you lost as well. Again, start simple, start slow and when you have an off day or week, just start your day or your week over again in that instant. Put failure in your rear view mirror as quickly as possible.

#5 Keep Changing

I, like most denizens of the 21^st Century, have the attention span of a coked-up bumble bee. When I started exercising at home (so as not to make the expensive mistake listed above) I bought the Zumba Gold set of 6 or 7 different DVDs. Brilliant. Just learning all the different steps and then getting accustomed to the different instructors etc. kept my mind as busy as my hips. But even with this variety I began to get bored after a few months. So I trolled the enormous range of workout offerings on Overstock.com and found a few more DVDs for kettlebell, boot camp and cardio interval training. Now I switch them up all the time and haven’t let boredom sink my routine. Furthermore, our bodies adjust to different workouts very quickly and you will no longer see dramatic results – which could also lead to quitting. So mix it up. If you’re dieting, learn a new healthy recipe each week. If you’re trying to quit smoking, try new ways to keep yourself occupied and so on.

#6 Be Kind to Yourself

So, what’s my New Year’s resolution you may ask? I posted it a few days ago: Judge less and accept more. And at a party on New Year’s day I found myself gossiping about a mutual friend and gloried in listing all his character defects. I came home, wondered why I had done it and felt like a jerk. But I took a deep breath, forgave myself and reasserted my intentions. After all, judging is so much part of my history that I’m sure a wagging finger is on our family crest. Change – especially really old behaviors – doesn’t happen overnight. And low self-esteem is often at the roots of many of our more destructive habits. Beating one’s self up isn’t going to help – it’s probably going to lead you right back to the bad habit. So be happy if you resist one gossip session, lose half a pound a week, smoke less than the day before and so on. It’s all going the right direction. None of us will ever become saints. It’s progress, not perfection.

Good luck with your resolutions and if you or anyone you know needs help achieving small changes, let me know if I can help!