So, I stuck
that tenner in my pocket and skipped merrily home. Later that day, I took out
the magical bill to buy a double espresso. I received eight dollars in change.
Ooh, what else would I procure with this windfall? I thought. But when I
reached into my pocket some three hours later I had only three dollars left.
What happened to that five dollar bill? I will never know. Perhaps I never got
correct change. Maybe it fell out of my pocket (damn you women’s wear designers
for your cursed shallow pockets!) All I knew was that it was gone. And I went from feeling blessed
and happy to feeling frustrated and doomed. Just like that.
Even at the
time, I knew I was acting irrationally. My friends and loved ones urged me to
look at the situation differently. “Hey, it's not like you lost $5, it's more like you found $5,” they said trying to
sway me into a different attitude. Nope, I couldn’t do it.  |
| My Dad circa 1976 -- who I miss, but am grateful for. |
I am a glass
half empty person, I guess and it’s very hard for me to see myself as lucky,
fortunate or blessed. But the fact of the matter is that I am. Sure, I’ve been
through some really rough stuff in my life. My childhood was no Disney tale. I
struggled with some demons in my early adult life. I fell in love later in life
and quickly learned I couldn’t give my soul mate the child he always dreamed of.
I reunited with my father only to lose him a few short years later.
Yeah, pretty
sad, but people have gone through lots worse and not fared as well as I have. The
thing is self-pity often feels like a safe, warm haven for me. But it is actually
a very dangerous place. It leads to harmful bad behavior like isolation,
over-indulgence, resentments and depression. So this year, I choose not to go
there.
So, as
Thanksgiving is upon us, I have decided to honor the true spirit of the holiday
and give thanks for the abundance of good fortune I have in my life. 
My Health: Yup, I’ve got to start with a cliché because
if I wasn’t alive I’d have nothing else on this list. But I also put it at the
top because I am acutely aware of what good health feels like and how it has
changed my life. A year ago at this time, I was still deeply in grief. My life
centered on clearing out and cleaning up my late mother-in-law’s home – not a
very cheery vocation. I was 33 pounds heavier. I couldn’t walk more than five
steps without pain from plantar fasciitis. I didn’t sleep well. I had very
little energy. Life seemed like a chore. When I made the decision to focus on
my nutrition, exercise and meditate everything changed, and I mean everything!
I don’t feel or look like the same person. I have boundless energy most days,
no pain and lots of hope. I no longer focus on death, but think about all the
things I want to do (like return to Acadia National Park -- where I climbed this freaking mountain!)
My Family: One of the great things about getting
married late in life is that you really know that it’s the right person. My
husband Steve is my best friend and the Yin to my Yang. He is patient, loving,
supportive, kind and the most devoted doggy dad in the world. And all of you
that know him have to agree on that, right? And you all know that our beloved
Rollo is also like a furry baby to us – and one that we don’t have to save
money for college tuition (or bail!) I thank God every day that my Mom is still
healthy and happy. I love talking to her every day – even if she doesn’t always
agree with me (and vice versa.) She still has one of the best senses of humor
and her enthusiasm for all things British – especially Britcoms and tea – is still
utterly charming. And despite a bit of drama now and then, I love and am proud
of my sister , my niece and nephew and am grateful that they are in my life. I'm also lucky enough to have an amazing half sister and step mother in Maine who know where the bodies are buried and love me anyway.
My Friends: I have some friends that I have known
for 42 years and some I have known for 4 months. I have friends who are half my
age and friends who are old enough to be a parent. My friends are high powered lawyers, dog-walkers, teachers, entrepreneurs (read: unemployed people) retired cops and students. I appreciate their minds and hearts, their vast and varied experiences, and their company. At this age, my friends are
not drinking buddies or wingmen; they are not just bridesmaids or travel
companions. No, they are extended family, they are my support system. Steve and I made the decision long ago to
jettison what we refer to as “emotional vampires.” We no longer make space for people who just
want to suck the life out of us by dumping their problems with no interest in
actually changing or helping others. So the friends we do see and spend time
with love, nurture and amuse us – and only occasional frustrate us.
My Home: Sure, I complain about my home. It
ain’t easy fitting two people, a 60 lb dog and
everything they own in a one-bedroom
apartment. Nor is it my life’s dream to share a bathroom with a man. But, having
a safe, warm and lovely place to live is definitely nothing to take for granted
– especially in Manhattan. My heart breaks for friends who get uprooted because
of new construction or break ups etc. and find that they can no long afford
even a room in Bushwick. And there are those moments when Rollo and I approach
the Hudson River on a quiet day. We sniff the water, we feel the breeze. We
watch the boats sail by and I think (I can’t say what he’s thinking) how lucky
I am. I feel like I live in a vacation resort. And, I do. People come from
every corner of the earth to walk the same streets I walk every day and for
that I feel blessed.
Coffee: Besides the occasional shopping trip,
this is my last remaining vice and I adore it with a nearly fanatical devotion. I
got so excited when I learned about the new Nespresso boutique in Macy’s I
could barely contain myself. The sales rep there gave me a free vanilla cappuccino
because he said I the nicest customer he had all day. Of course I was. I was
acting with utter reverence. I was in my holy place. Coffee doesn’t really fit
in with my new nutritional outlook (especially when you add half and half as I
do) but I think we all need our vices in order to be human – and as bad
treats go, this is not as bad as some (eg see Mayor Tom Ford - or me circa 1995.)
Well those
are the biggies. Sure, I am grateful for all the wonderful television shows
about bridal gown shopping that provide delicious distractions from my school
work and swiffering; and I cherish my favorite Mexican restaurant Mariachi’s
(formerly Little Place); and don’t get me started on shoes and handbags. But I
think writing about those things on this list would diminish the importance of
friends, family, health and home.
But, I do
want to add my deepest appreciation for everyone who reads this blog. I have always been
grateful for my ability to write. And you all
allow me to enjoy this “gift” and share it with others. So to all of you, I
wish you a very happy Thanksgiving.
P.S. Thanks again, Rita for the gift of the 18 lb Turkey -- the other "real" meaning of Thanksgiving!
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