What's Wrong with "The List"

There’s been a lot of talk about women making lists of the qualities they seek in a man.  The media was buzzing recently about a leaked copy of Taylor Swift’s list, which supposedly required that any future suitor be at her level of fame and success, among other desired attributes.  The various pundits then discussed what was on their list such as physical appearance, jobs, habits, and of course, a sense of humor (the universal option.)

This concept is not new. When I was somewhat young and single – in fact, the last single woman in my circle of college pals – one of them suggested I compile such a list so I could “put it out to the universe.” Heck, I had tried Match.com, 8-minute dating, blind dates and singles parties why not a list. So I sat with my ruled notebook and wrote down what I thought I wanted in a mate.

At the top of the list was smart, followed by well-educated, read the New York Times daily (which I didn’t do, by the way), successful, and had a great sense of humor. There were other things on the list about dressing well, being interested in politics – you know, the important stuff.  I was basically searching for a more advanced, more masculine version of me. Yikes.

A few months after sketching out my perfect boyfriend/husband, a man came into my life that had many – if not all – of these qualities. We began to get to know each other and developed quite an intense emotional attachment. The only problem was he was married and…oh…he was moving to a foreign country. As I like to say in those days: he couldn’t have been less available if he were in a coma. 

I spent several months in torment about this “relationship” which my friends didn’t approve of (even though it never became physical.)  But I was lonely and I had asked the universe for this guy, after all. Again my well-meaning friends counselled me that “if I didn’t clear space in my heart the, right guy wouldn’t show up.”  So I forced myself to stop IMing with the married man and cried for a few nights.

At that point, in my sorrow and loneliness, I looked back at the original list and was amazed. Nowhere on it did it ask for my perfect man to be single, available and live in New York -- kind of essential qualities if you ask me.  So I tore it up. Take that Universe!

About two years later when I did meet and fall deeply in love with my future husband, I thought of that list again and laughed. He didn’t read the New York Times – in fact, he read the Daily News (blech!) His education was not stellar – it took him 25 years to obtain his college degree from four different schools (give him an A+ for persistence though!). His  wardrobe style was (and is, to a certain extent) to try to blend in with the scenery. He didn’t have a job (at that time); And he hadn’t voted in a dozen years.  He does, of course, have a wonderful sense of humor.

Because I never had a mate before I had no idea what I required. I didn’t need a “new and improved” version of myself – God, no! Two type A’s can’t live with each other for long without civil war erupting. On a day-to-day basis it doesn’t matter at all how someone dresses or what they read (although, I did eventually show him the light when it came to the News, and helped him find his proper size at least.) His job and hobbies don’t really add up to much either. What does matter is his kindness, his patience, his loyalty and his principles – which are unrivalled among men, and have gotten me through the rough times. It helps that we’re both late sleepers, like TV, dessert and dogs because that makes up a big part of our days.  And, what I never expected to be important is our attitude toward money. We’re both pretty conservative (I wouldn’t exactly call it “cheap” but…) We eschew luxury items and frequent taxi trips. We love getting a bargain at Costco and Marshalls.  And we do a lot of google research before we buy anything new. I never knew that this was the stuff that would allow us to live in peace and harmony most , but it is.

A partner is not a house, nor a new handbag or any other big ticket purchase for which we can set a list of “deal-breakers.” So here’s my advice: tell the universe to send you the person best-equipped to love you and take care of you. And if you’re lucky and that person is presented to you, be open. He may not look or sound like your imagined Prince Charming. But that’s ok. In fact, it’s better than ok. “There is more on heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your philosophy,” said the immortal bard, Shakespeare. And that is the problem with the “list.” 

Five Great Reasons to Stay Home on Memorial Day Weekend

As I write this piece, I am happily, sloppily at home in my workout gear (actually post workout this time, instead of "workout hopeful".) I am not stuck in traffic or having an anxiety attack about the weather forecast or busily packing and unpacking. 

Yes, I'm aware it's the Friday of Memorial Day Weekend: the unofficial start of the Summer Season. And, yes, I'm opting to stay at home. And if you are bummed about your boring plans, feeling left out because no invited you to the "party of the season" or frustrated because you need to stay in the city for work or family, I'm here to tell you my five top reasons why you are going to have a great time at home:

1. No Traffic = More Time to Play
As I said before, you avoid traffic. Unless you leave in the middle of the night, you are bound to hit massive traffic jams this week regardless of the direction you head. Just getting out of Manhattan could take two hours. So you arrive at the beach, the mountains, Atlantic City -- wherever --  tired, dirty and cranky. So you've already lost Friday and forget about Monday too. If you stay at home, you have all four glorious days to enjoy. Even if you work a full day on Friday, you're super psyched about the time off, and you're probably not working much because the boss is gone already.

2. The Apocalypse Fantasy Weekend
I don't mean to be morbid, but if you're anything like me, you may harbor rather sick fantasy of being one of the lone survivors of the apocalypse and having the entire city to yourself. Well, staying in Manhattan on a holiday weekend allows you to get a sneak peak of what that would be like. Want to go to that hot new restaurant? No reservation, no problem. On a weekend like this, chances are you can stroll right in. Take in that show at the MOMA without the crowds and lines. Stroll down the Hudson River promenade with your border collie without dogging hordes of skaterborders and oblivious double-stroller i-phone-checking moms. The city is all yours for a few days - so go for it!

3. Keep your Vanity
In my heyday I'd head down to the Jersey Shore for a big beach bonanza on Memorial Day. But that moment would come where I'd have to don a bathing suit for the first time in the season...argh. With very little previous sun exposure, my skin in the month of May is the color of spoiled milk. So I'd lay on the beach self-consciously desperate for a quick tan. Of course, I'd wind up getting massively burned. That's no way to kick off summer. At home, I can wander around in my shorts and a T-shirt picking up some sun in my lonely city without anyone staring. Perhaps if it warms up, I can even go on my roof and get a tan. After all we all know my neighbors will be out of town so there'll be no one to gawk. Bring on the glow!

4. Rest
It's been a long hard winter. Why not rest up on this 3-day'er and get primed for a busy, exciting summer. Sleep in for a few days, take some naps, sit by the river and watch the boats go by -- even better, sit in a park and watch the sailors in for Fleet Week!

5. Opting out = No Envy or Disapppointment
As a New Yorker you know that even if you're having a great time, someone is having a better, fancier, more special time. If you're rubbing elbows with Sarah Jessica Parker at a book fair in Rhinebeck, your best friend is taking a selfie with Beyonce at a black-tie gala in the Hamptons. You can't win. All this build-up for the "first weekend of the summer!!!" will eventually let you down. And the eventual comparisons with your coworkers and neighbors will make you feel "less than." So opt out. Be above it. On Tuesday just say, "oh I can't be bothered with all that Memorial Day nonsense year after year."  Because in New York, jaded always wins no matter what. 

So stop checking weather.com, quit debating about whether to take your wedges or strappy sandals. Put on come flip flops and join me in having a fun, spontaneous free and easy holiday. 

Happy Memorial Day!

The Dreaded Backslide

As many of you know, last year I revolutionized the way I ate (whole foods, smaller portions, healthier meals, fewer desserts,) adopted new habits like mindful eating, and started a fitness regimen which included aerobic exercise (walking) and strength training. I wound up losing 34 pounds, felt great and had to buy a totally new wardrobe (kind of a good news/bad news situation.)

My Old "Before" Shot

Last October, I decided I was at my ideal weight, so I stopped weighing, measuring and logging my food. But I was scared. I knew how to gain weight (clearly) and I now knew how to lose weight, but maintaining this new size was uncharted territory. How much more would I be able to eat without gaining back any of the pounds I worked so hard to lose? Could I have pizza and dessert more often...if so how frequently? 

Suddenly -- out of nowhere -- the holiday season came like a hurricane. Never in my life had I been invited to so many parties and gatherings, all testing my new resolve. I did ok, but I definitely ate more than I had during my "dieting" period. But I was too chicken to get on the scale and see what had happened to my body. My weekly weigh-ins were exciting when I was on the downward path, but now...? I just couldn't face the truth. 

Then in January I hit a bit of an emotional slump. I decided (against everything I knew) that the pressure to exercise each day was hurting me so I jettisoned that healthy habit -- one which most likely could have addressed my depression -- like a burning lunar module. 

My Old "After" shot

And slowly my old habits crept in: larger portions, using more butter than I know is wise, having not just one but TWO desserts each night (I often crave a salty snack like chips after a cupcake) and mindlessly nibbling while I cook. When I finally summoned the courage to weigh myself some time in the late winter, I had gained back about five pounds.  I wasn't surprised, but I was disappointed. But not disappointed enough to reach a bottom.

I told myself that things would need to change. I added back in my strength training (as the walking always continued thanks to my Border Collie, Rollo,) but not with same consistency. But that was the only concession. Even though I knew how I was able to lose the weight, I couldn't find the willingness to go back to those habits again -- habits that never felt oppressive, oddly.

So my unhealthy behavior continued. And I basically kept quiet, only telling a few people close to me -- and probably not telling the whole story. The funny thing is, now that I'm a health coach, I know better and perhaps that made me more unwilling to admit defeat and ask for help. 

Two weeks ago, before a one-week vacation at the beach with my family, I got serious and I weighed myself again -- now I was up to a seven-pound weight gain. I needed this dose of reality to try to stem the temptations I would encounter living with my Mom (who offers candy every five minutes) and in close proximity to the best ice cream in the state.  Did this self knowledge work? Well, no because I took no other action but that.  I am up another pound and a half. I have gained back nearly 25% of what I lost. It isn't so much the number that scares me, but how insidious and fast the backslide can happen.

My New "Before"

So today is my Day One:  the day that I am officially surrendering and starting over. I started my day with "BollyBlast" a new workout I record from the TV show on the Veria network. I measured out the ingredients in my breakfast and recorded them in MyFitness Pal (the app that changed my life.) And I am telling the whole world that I backslid. 

Perhaps, this can be your day one too. I would love the company, support and encouragement as I try to drop those extra eight or nine (maybe ten) pounds. Although, I'm eager to lose this unwelcome fat, I have given myself no timeline, because what's most important is that I re-adopt the habits that made me feel my absolute best. 

And, I am comforting myself with the knowledge that now I can better empathize with my health coaching clients that have experience a backslide, too. Very humbling.

Best, Karen

As always, for more information on health coaching and healthy eating visit  Wellbeings With Karen Azeez